The Rest Yard

In a fenced dog park, I looked around and asked for the way out. A shaggy-haired dachshund replied, "There is no door out. There is only a door to come in.""But I don't understand," I continued. "How the hell did I get in here if I can't get out?""It depends on your parents," the dachshund said. "Besides, you're just a puppy, so you understand things pretty poorly anyway—am I right?""I'm a human, you fool!" I shouted. He laughed so hard he started losing his fur."A human? Are you completely naked, or what?""I just want out of here, so I don't give a damn what you think.""Hey man, this place is for dogs only," he replied. "This playground is strictly for dogs. Humans have swings and stuff. Around here, it's the sniff in the ass that counts.""Oh my," I said. "I really need to get out of here now.""Ah, you're just a rookie who hasn't sniffed the big leagues yet. You're just scared," he taunted."No, I'm human, and I don't like doing the things you're talking about.""So you mean you don't even turn around to eat your own vomit, huh?" he scoffed. "You're all talk—you mixed-breed. You're a slob, anyone can see that from a mile away.""No, I promise you. I am not a dog. Just because I happen to be inside a dog park doesn't make me a dog, right?""Yes it does," answered the dachshund. "What else would it mean?" He continued, "Look, here comes Bowl Cannon Ball. Go ahead and try to be polite. Lick the corner of his mouth and let him lick your ass.""You are crazy!" I screamed. By now, the other dogs began to notice us and slowly approached out of curiosity."What's up, Bowl Cannon Ball? What is this about?" they asked.The dachshund announced loudly so everyone could hear: "He doesn't dare show his ass!" Everyone burst out laughing, thinking it was the joke of the year."Okay, just because he has clothes on and walks on all fours doesn't mean he's a dog," noted a Paris Hilton lookalike lapdog.An angel, I thought to myself."Fine, take off your silly knitted clothes so we can see for ourselves!" the pack shouted in unison.I realized I had no choice but to comply, but at that exact moment, I spotted the exit door I had been looking for. I ran as fast as I could toward the gate. But I didn't have enough time to open it before the whole pack caught up with me. Now, they all branded me a liar.Then, suddenly, my Father appeared, wondering what had become of me."Dad, I've come to the wrong place!" I cried.The pack barked, "He is one of us, and he's a liar!"My Father opened the door, stepped inside the enclosure, and said, "You are burlesque creatures, merely looking to use your fangs. But we humans have been given power over you. Even though my son is only eight months old, you can do nothing to touch his glory or the level of authority assigned to him. You will never even get close to humans. Be content that you exist, and do the best you can for as long as you live—because you only possess soul and body, and then you are no more."We happily waved to each other as we parted ways.Bowl Cannon Ball, who was considered the smartest of them all, asked the pack, "What was that all about?"Everyone shrugged and answered, "No idea." Then they dispersed and began chasing each other again.Suddenly, Bowl Cannon Ball stopped. "Why do we even go back to our own vomit and lick each other's balls anyway?""Don't know," muttered an embarrassed Labrador."Shall we agree to stop doing it then?" asked Bowl Cannon Ball."No!" the pack answered. "Why should we?""Yeah, come to think of it," Bowl Cannon Ball agreed, "why should we? No, it's the most fun thing there is, and it's what brings us to the heaven of religions to get seven young bitches as wives."The dogs all barked in approval, walking up to Bowl Cannon Ball to smell his backside, comforting him after his strange proposal.And so, that dog day came to an end. No one would ever have believed it if it were told to someone who wasn't there. But those who were there didn't have the understanding to remember it either—making it an almost impossible thing.